Today I feel drawn to write about something deep in my heart, that I’ve only talked to my husband about. With today being Jasmine’s 4th birthday, it brings back so many memories. My pregnancy with her was rough, due to many reasons. She was my Rainbow baby, and because of this I was terrified the whole pregnancy. It wasn’t until almost the very end before I actually let myself get excited, and then just as soon as I got excited that excitement was gone in the blink of an eye. I feel so guilty saying that out loud. We were planning to be induced Monday April 6th, 2020. Due to Covid I couldn’t have visitors so my dad was planning on coming down that following weekend. Which would have given us enough time to get her home and settled. Though I didn’t enjoy that because I had pictures of my daddy with my other two babies in the hospital I didn’t want Jasmine to be any less. I knew that we had to keep others’ safety in mind.
As we were packing, and getting ready I got the phone call that would change my world forever. It was on April 2nd, it was not the call that I would have ever expected. My dad and brother had been in a motorcycle accident. My first thought was that my dad had been in many motorcycle accidents. He will be bandaged up and be back to his normal self. Then I was informed that there was a car involved, when I heard that my heart sank, because I knew that with him being in the state of Ohio he was not wearing a helmet. A head on collision with a car would not be like normal times. Though I didn’t want to have these thoughts I had a feeling in my stomach that something was off this time. Between the news of him and my brother, I wanted to rush to them both. My brother needed someone by his side. He had to have surgery on his leg due to him breaking it in the accident, and my dad had so many different things going on with him that nobody could give me a straight answer. So being so far away was stressing me out even with me telling myself that it wasn’t good for myself. I couldn’t calm myself down for the life of me.
On the morning of April 5th, 2020 I woke up early in the morning with pains I thought were fake pains again due to the fact that I kept being sent home and didn’t want to be sent home anymore. So I got up and got in the bath and tried to relax as I timed the contraction. I waited about 2 hrs maybe longer and they still weren’t stopping. They were getting stronger, and that is when I knew it was time to get to the hospital. Once getting there I was progressing faster on my own then I had in the past (stress at its finest.) Though this moment was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life I couldn’t find it in me to be happy. Of course I was happy and proud of her but I wanted my dad, and deep deep down I knew he wouldn’t wake up. I knew from listening to what information that I had already been told that his outcome wasn’t good but I had to be positive. I had to be strong, I had to have faith. When really in that moment my faith was fading quickly. My dad was my everything, and knowing that he was fading just broke my heart more and more.
When I held Jasmine in my arms for the first time, she was perfect. She was beautiful. I was beyond in love with my precious baby girl. Though at the same time I felt so guilty for finding happiness in such heartbreaking circumstances. I knew my dad wouldn’t want me to think that way, but at the time I felt wrong for looking down at her little face and feeling as if the world was so full. I didn’t know it was possible for one’s heart to feel so full but so broken at the same time.
The point in this is though Jasmine was born during a rough time she also brought out so much good in the time of need in my family. She brought some peace into our upside world. God restored my faith the moment he placed that baby in my arms. He knew what he was doing when he brought her to me. On so many levels, between losing Lydia prior to finding out we were pregnant with Jasmine to him blessing us with her birth amidst the hardest time of our lives with losing dad. With that I want to wish my baby girl a Very Happy 4th Birthday!
