Do you ever need to talk about something, but not have the words to describe your current state of mind? That is currently how I am feeling. It is 4:30am I am awake because my over active brain just won’t shut up. However if I was to be asked what is wrong I wouldn’t even know what to say. I think it is the moments I get like this that frustrate me the most, and it’s for multiple reasons.
Not being able to find the words to describe what’s going on in my head means that whatever is going on isn’t going away quite yet. So whatever effect it is having on you will persist until you can either find the words, or find a way to cope yourself. More times than not it’s finding ways to ‘cope’ or push it down far enough that it’s no longer scratching the surfaces. I know doing this does me no good, but I still do it because it makes it go away. At least for the moment.
Sometimes there are things that I need to talk about, but feel dumb needing to talk about it or feel I can’t talk about it. The moment I start talking about it I won’t be able to stop the words from coming. Kind of like this ordeal with my mom, it brings things when I am standing here trying to remain strong and stand my ground. I know I can stand my ground because I have done it so many times before, but sometimes it gets tiring. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to seem so strong.
Sometimes I wish I could just look at her in the face and scream on top of my lungs. I am not even sure if that would help, but I feel like it would do something since I can’t seem to form the right words. I am so tired of feeling like her children aren’t enough for her. As a mother myself I can’t fathom how she can knowingly make her children feel the way she does. I sit here now and wonder when it started, it had been going on before she left, but when did it truly start.
I sit and think about the way my childhood went down, and I want better for my children that much I know. I don’t want them to be my age and look back and have the same thoughts about me as I do about my childhood. That is my big thing, I want them to have a childhood they enjoy telling people about. One where they are scared to bring friends home because they aren’t sure what they might see or hear. I don’t want them to always escape to their friends house instead of bringing their friends home for a sleepover too.
The point in this is words are hard to find, you may find yourself searching for the right ones longer than expected, but when you do find them I hope they are the words you have been looking for this whole time! As always, thank you for reading! Your support means the world to me. Check out the store. There are some cool things over there. You can also reach out for something personalized. If any of you need anything feel free to reach out even if it’s just to talk, or to feel like someone is in your corner. Because here I am! Thank you again Alyssa Mills.
