***Good morning, I hope you guys had a good day yesterday and have had a good start to your morning so far. Today’s blog is going to play into yesterday’s, so if you haven’t read it I would pause here and take a look at it!***
While writing yesterday’s blog I kept taking two different turns of how I wanted it to go so I decided to just split it up into two different days.
In school my best friend went down this path and I was a horrible friend. Instead of being there for her I turned my back on her. Which led to me losing my best friend. We still talk but are nowhere near as close as we were, and I think about this all the time. I miss her all the time, when I had nobody else I had her, but when she needed me I betrayed her. In my eyes it was I thought I was doing what was for the best. I had already had my first child and wanted the best for her. I wanted my friend to get help. I just went the wrong way to do that. I know that doesn’t make it right, and I know it doesn’t make it easier on her, but now we both have our own families and I am so proud of the young lady she has become. She is a wonderful mother! She will always be a very important person in my life, and I will always love her like a sister! If she reads this she will know who she is, so if you are reading this I love you and I am so proud of you! As I am also sorry for all that went wrong in our friendship as well!
I shared the above because it is the reason why I tried more than once to help my mother. I tried to do better than what I had in the past. The difference in the two cases was that my mother didn’t want the help. My mother makes excuses for why she does the things she does and I know everyone does, but my mom wont get the help she needs to make those excuses better. The one excuse that will stick though I am not sure she realized it when she would say it is how she would always say how she didn’t get to do all the normal things a Teenager did because she had me. She would always say that she didn’t want me to end up like her, pregnant at 16. Well I did end up pregnant at 16, but I worked my ass off to prove that I would be different. I would still live my life, I would just do it with a baby on my hip. My mom liked to make comments that if it wasn’t for me I wouldn’t have made it through high school because she kept my daughter for me, but the thing is she isn’t the only one that kept my daughter. I had two different babysitters besides her, because she didn’t respect my boundaries with MY daughter. I worked my butt off to make sure I walked across that stage with my class. I studied, with my daughter on the bed with me “helping me” she pushed me to do it. Her beautiful face is what encouraged me to do it. So it is that excuse alone that I find trouble understanding. She says the circumstances were different. Yes they were, but when I was thrown challenges I jumped through hoops for my daughter so how was that any different? She says my bio dad wasn’t there, (She caused that herself, she lied to me, to others, she took time away from me, that we will never be able to get back), My daughters bio dad wasn’t there, I still did it.
She has a few other personal excuses that I won’t go into, but had she gotten help and not put herself back into those situations then she wouldn’t have had those as “triggers”.
The next one that gets under my skin, is she likes to use my dads death as a reason for why she is using. However her and dad had been divorced for over 4 years when he passed and she was using way before he passed. During this accident my brother was injured and the drs needed her permission due to her being the only parent that was able to give permission. I was 4 days away from having my 3rd child, 8hrs away, and had just found out that my father and brother were in a head on motorcycle vs car collision and was having to find my mother who was also 8 hrs away from me because nobody else knew where she was. I had to call 3 different people, two of which I had no clue who they were, so 2 strangers had my number now. You would think that since I am calling about her son that would be her concern but it wasn’t her first concern was about my father. I lost a little more respect and hope for her at this moment. My brother ended up getting the surgery that he needed, but yet my mother never went to be with my brother, nor any of us. I ended up going into labor a day earlier, and had a healthy baby girl, with fast labor. By the following week it was clear that the drs didn’t think my dad would pull through. My mother still never showed up for any of us. By the time my dad passed we still hadn’t seen my mother, hadn’t been supported by her and I lost all respect for her that was still remaining.
Even after that I still tried to help her a few more times and she still wouldn’t take that help so finally I stopped offering help. I stopped reaching out first. I watch from the sidelines making sure she is still alive. That is no way for a child to have to look at their parents. A child shouldn’t have to wake up and think oh it has been a week since I have seen anything from my mom, and then start checking jail rosters or calling around to see if anyone has seen or talked to her.
So, Yes I am happy that at this given moment my mother is behind bars. Yes I am happy that at this given moment my mother is getting 3 meals a day. Yes I am happy that at this given moment my mother has somewhere warm and safe to lay her head at night. Yes I am happy that at this given moment my mother is off the streets, away from the people supplying her with the drugs. Yes, I am glad that my mother is detoxing even though that means she is sick, and even though that means she is looking at some hard time. Call me horrible, say what you want, but at least at the moment I know my mother is alive, fed, warm, safe, clean, and getting the help she needs. Is that really so wrong for a child to want for their parent?
Thank You for taking the time to read this, Alyssa Mills.
