Growing up my mother always kept us away from a majority of our family because they had a really big drug problem. Growing up you never understand what that means until you get older and have kids of your own. However you never imagine that the one you would have to keep your children from would be your own mother. When you have kids you imagine all the things they would do with their grandparents. All the fun things that they would do and the memories that they would make together. You don’t imagine that the memories that they would have of your mother is hearing you talk about how she is facing prison for her drug charges. As a mother your main priority is to protect your babies, that is all you ever want to do.
It is easy for people to pass judgment when they aren’t in your shoes, but they wouldn’t want that same judgment being thrown their way if the shoes were on the other foot. My mother is currently facing prison time and she has had a cousin that I don’t communicate with reach out and he didn’t like what I had to say, so he called me a horrible person. He tried telling me that my mother has had a change of heart, and when I shared that this is the same thing she has said to us the last 5 times she has told us how she was going to get help. The judgment that he passed upon me because I said that my mother was better off in prison was something that my mind wasn’t quite ready for at the time. However I am okay now, I know that what I am doing is for the best. Not only for my mom but for my siblings and I. As long as my mother is in there we know where she is, we know that she is at least eating, safe, and has somewhere to lay her head at night. What said cousin doesn’t understand is that we call/check the jail rooster, mogures, people who may have seen her, we do this weekly. This isn’t something we enjoy doing, but we do it because she is our mother and it is the only way we would even know if something was to happen. At the same time what were we going to do if something were to happen? By the time we were to find out something had happened or something was wrong, what would we be able to do?
Growing up we had a good time while we were younger, but once we got old enough to start seeing things and remembering things it started setting in that it wasn’t as good as we thought. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been but it wasn’t as good as others either. My dad was an amazing dad, he just wasn’t home to see the stuff that my mom was doing, and he had loved her so much that he didn’t always believe the stuff that we told him was going on. Even if he did sometimes he didn’t want to, which is understandable in the long run. So once my dad passed it felt like we had lost both parents already, but to throw salt in an already huge wound my mom likes to use my dads death as a fall on for why she is doing the things she is doing, when she was doing this way before then. When we truly needed her she wasn’t there, and I literally mean she wasn’t there. She didn’t show up at all, not for us nor my 16 year old brother who needed her then and still needs her rather he wants to admit it. Though we know that clearly won’t make her open her eyes.
In my head I had a different point of writing for this blog but once I started the words just kind of started flowing. I don’t want it to be too long, I just want to get some of it out. I think I might continue with more tomorrow. I don’t want to share too much detail because it’s not just my life, but I do want to get it out because I feel like I need to. I feel like while keeping it bottled in has seemed easier, it has made people come to the conclusion that we haven’t attempted to help my mother as her children. With that I am wanting to clear up this we have tried to help her she refused that help. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. So before you want to go and pass judgment, especially if you don’t even communicate with the person you’re passing the judgment on, think about all the cards on the table. Make sure you have all your facts before you make your final decision.
Do I wish that there was more that I could do for my mother? Of course I do, but I have done all I can do while she isn’t wanting to take the additional steps to help herself. So as a mother myself I am throwing in the towel, I am choosing peace of mind, knowing that she is safe, warm, and slowly getting CLEAN! I am going to keep my peace of mind knowing that by calling her or taking a call from her will give her ways to come up with excuses, and those excuses will do her no good. She needs to see that what she is doing is not only affecting her, but it is affecting her kids as well, and if I decide to take her call she will win, she will get to tell her favorite excuse “It wasn’t mine, I wasn’t using, I wasn’t selling, I wasn’t sitting on that park bench with a bag full of drug that weren’t mine plus two more that could kill a me let alone a tiny child in a heartbeat.” I have to think about my 4 tiny children that could have been at that park that could have come upon the bookbag had she passed out or misplaced it or god forbid something worse. These are the things that I have to consider in situations like this at all times, my babies, my family, my whole world, my reason to breathe.
This is a real issue, this is a big issue and this is everywhere around us. Everywhere you turn you see it. You have to be safe and protect your kids from it everyday. Make sure you talk to your children. I hope this helps someone see that they don’t need to feel guilt for building the wall that is needed. I hope this helps someone see that they have people around them that understands them, that feels how they feel. I hope someone reads this and feels a weight lifted off their shoulders.
If you are still reading, thank you for still reading! Remember you are not alone, I am here to talk if you need someone to talk to. I hope y’all have an amazing Monday! — Alyssa Mills
